I am not afraid.
I have sat on the start line of 2k race knowing lactic acid will rip my limbs from my body within 25 strokes leaving me to dance with the devil to cross the finish line.
I have left friends and family behind in the name of adventure and the unknown.
I have stared down blank canvases and sheets of paper, not blinking once.
I laugh at rejection because I have been rejected so many times.
And failures… well how could I be afraid of that which leaves me wearing proud
battle scares?
And that hot stove… It is where I live every moment of every day. My worst memories and skeletons are my constant companions. They are no longer terrifying.
I am not afraid.
Then, why do I not write?
Why do the stories stay lodged beneath my breastbone?
Or a lack thereof.
Finding that quiet time to carefully dislodge my stories. If I rip and force them out, they tear and break into unrecognizable mush.
I have been told I should make time.
I should.
I don’t know how.
I have been told if I didn’t run so much, I would have time. True. But then my stories wouldn’t know what it was like to feel the wind in their hair and the joy of flying down a hill full tilt.
I have been told if I just stayed in one place, I would have time. True. But, then how would my stories be born? My stories are pieces of my adventures.
I have been told that if I didn’t want all the pie I would have time. True. But, I am a glutton of life and through my voracious appetite I feed my stories.
I should find time. I should. Really. Honestly. Attempt to find time.
Time to…
To run. To read. To sketch. To paint. To cook. To row. To coach. To volunteer. To travel. To work. To love. To be happy. To be calm. To dance. To build a life-over and over and over again.
To write.
I am not afraid.
I merely quite honestly don’t know how to find time. It is an elusive creature.
Vanessa Harvey is a July 2013 graduate of the MFAC program. Her penchant for adventure has currently landed her in New Zealand, where she is a rowing coach at Wellington College.